Eighties Insanity: Episode One -- "Until the Night They Killed His Brother"

An addition of a Rubik’s Cube to my bedroom has sent me on a nostalgia binge. This entry will probably be the first of many which will fall under the “hey, remember that thing from back then” category, but I promise to make them more entertaining than the usual fare of that nature you’ll find on the internet. (Apologies in advance to Retro Junk, still the reigning king of media nostalgia on the internet. Stay classy, you guys.) The first one is the ire of anyone who has worked at a Blockbuster, stayed up too late at film school, or simply watched any given movie channel on a Saturday afternoon in the early 90s.

Yes, I’m talking about Gleaming the Cube.

Now, if you have never had the insane pleasure of watching this film, allow me to explain the high-concept idea which fuels this piece of quintessential eighties cinema. Christian Slater plays Brian Kelly, a stereotypical “rebel teen” as written by a Hollywood screenwriter. He loves skateboarding and his adopted Vietnamese brother, but hates consumerism and authority. Why? Because he’s a rebel, man! But then his brother is murdered, so the things he loves are most definitely outweighed by the things he hates. As anyone who watches a movie ever knows, this means that revenge is nigh. Watch Kelly go as he implements the mystic art of Slater-Fu, which would go on to fell bad guys in films from Pump Up the Volume to Hard Rain.

Seriously, though, no one is watching this film for hard-hitting social commentary, even when Cube attempts to divert its plot into some gabbery about Vietnamese politics. No, you’re watching for the most 80s-tastic of all cinema plot devices: the skateboard. Now, cultural anthropologists have traced the origins of the skateboard in America back to at least the streets of Dogtown in the 1970s, but, luckily for us, the phenomenon didn’t make the ten-mile trek down to Hollywood until John Brolin kicked some skater ass in Thrashin’. Cube came after the floodgates had opened on this particular fad, so we get the immense pleasure of numerous skate montages choreographed by none other than Stacy Peralta, de facto leader of the Z-Boys of Dogtown. Thrill to five minutes of Slater pulling ollies while “Stukas Over Disneyland” plays on the soundtrack!

“But Jimmy,” I hear you cry, “people still board and listen to The Dickies today! What’s so 80s about this movie?” Yes, people may still use skateboards, but does anyone cast Steven Bauer in a movie today? This film has a cast to beat all other 80s films. The cast list for Cube sports Manolo from Scarface, John from V, Padre Quinn from Timerider, Sherrif Brackett from Halloween, Cavin from Gummi Bears, The dude who gets crushed to death in Big Trouble in Little China, and Tony Motherfrakkin’ Hawk. It’s as if someone organized a convention for fifth male leads from eighties movies and then filmed the results. If Victor Wong and his crazy eye had made an appearance, then the universe may have imploded upon witnessing the pure eighties of it all.

As it is, there are enough psychotic moments in the movie to make up for the lack of Wong and late-stage skateboard action. Did you dig the scene where Michelle Rodriguez pilots a convertible under an 18-wheeler in Fast and the Furious? Watch Tony Hawk do it on a skateboard going eighty on the Pasadena Freeway! And you haven’t seen high drama until you’ve seen Steven Bauer’s magical gravity-defying car, Richard Herd’s revolver that can shoot a pinpoint target from something like four hundred yards away, or Christian Slater’s dress skateboard that he brings to his brother’s funeral. It was ridiculous touches like these that made the eighties a wonderful time to be a moviegoer. Even if you hated the film, you could still have a ball picking out all of the random parts of the film’s world which just shouldn’t be. Can you say the same about She’s the Man or Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector?

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Eighties Insanity Short Takes!: Pole Position

Remember Pole Position? The video game where you drove a car, and that’s it? Yeah, wait until you see what happened when it went through the inevitable cartoonification back in 1984. Now the story concerned Dan and Daisy Darrett, ace drivers whose stunt show doubled as a covert spy organization. They also had two cars imbued with artificial intelligence; in the great tradition of robotic duos, one sounded like Don Adams, and the other sounded like he was retarded. Oh, and the Darretts also had some sort of cat/possum hybrid that was looked after by their younger sister. You’ll understand why I spent a good decade thinking I had dreamed this program up before I uncovered an episode deep in my collection of unlabeled VHS tapes.

As with most eighties cartoons, a good feel for the series can be gained from the opening credits. Be warned, though; the theme song will lodge itself in your brain and never leave.