And Be a Jukebox Hero...

Following is a list of songs I’d like to see in the next edition of Guitar Hero, compiled as a response to Brian the Lion and DanFish. I make no claims to these being the best songs to put in the game, except where I specifially make such claims. Rather, these are the songs I would personally love to play. There's a slim chance I'll ever play music for a living, so I can only hope that Harmonix will indulge my fantasy world.

1. “Jukebox Hero,” Foreigner

This may be the best possible encore song that was ever recorded. I guarantee that everyone in the immediate vicinity, even those from adjacent apartments, will be over to watch your performance by the time the chorus rolls around. However, this has got to be one of the songs where the original master recordings are used, because whoever covers the songs for the game is bound to completely massacre this song.

2. “Juicebox,” The Strokes

Yes, it’s a blatant Doors rip, but The Doors could never rock this hard, because their guitarist sucked and they didn’t have a bassist. Listening to the lead and bass parts on this tune gives me chills, because I have no idea how one would ever get their fingers around them on anything above a “Medium” difficulty setting.

3. “Chameleon,” Creedence Clearwater Revival

Possibly the least popular of all Creedence tunes, but it would also single-handedly make up for the dearth of country-rock in the first two Guitar Heroes. As much as we all love “Carry On Wayward Son,” it cannot represent all of the fun little tracks which made up the rest of the genre. While this track may be a bit too heavy on the sax for a game which is mostly about guitars, the rhythm line is so damn hard to play that it wouldn’t matter.

4. “Lobster Magnet,” Ben & Garry’s

Bonus song gold. Oh, and there has to be a microphone attachment, because screaming “LOBSTER STICKS TO MAGNET” as loud as you can should gain you a billion extra points.

5. “Summertime Blues,” Eddie Cochran

How has this not been the leadoff track for either of the games yet? Simple enough guitar part, the song is legendary, and it’s structured in such a way that the player could actually improve over the course of it. There’s not much more you could ask for out of a level in Guitar Hero; throw in the fact that Eddie Cochran may have been the original Guitar Hero and you’ve got the perfect track.

6. “Save It for a Rainy Day,” The Jayhawks

You’re saying it’s too soft for the game, and you probably have a point. However, the simple lyric line hides three guitar parts which include too many hairpin turns of phrase to count, and a solo which would beguile even an accomplished Guitar Hero junkie.

7. “Dance to the Bop,” Gene Vincent & The Blue Caps

Quick, fierce, and almost ridiculously hard to play. Gene Vincent may well have invented the mind-bending guitar solo with this song, so it’s sad that the number is all but forgotten today. In fact, the first level on the new Guitar Hero should feature all the guitar hits of the mid-fifties, as they’d be perfect to acclimatize new inductees into the Church of GH. And, after all, wouldn’t it be fitting to pay homage to the people who invented the genre in the first place?

8. “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes,” They Might Be Giants

Same reason as “Lobster Magnet,” except that the player must now shout “CONQUEST!” at inappropriate moments.

9. “Danger! (High Voltage),” Electric Six

Oh, you know you want this as a bonus track. I fully believe that guitar-heavy disco one-hit wonders from five years ago deserve their place in Guitar Hero just as much as any other tune, especially because I can’t wait to hear what the sound-alike vocalists do with Jack White’s insane vocals.

10. “Money for Nothing,” Dire Straits

Nine minutes of pure rock. No ridiculously long two-note speed solos like in “Freebird,” but the song goes through so many tempo changes that it becomes about a trillion times harder. The song was also a rallying cry for the return of rock in the mid-eighties, and the album sold thirty million copies. It’s an important moment in rock history, a damn great song, and a wonder that it has yet to appear in one of the games. Added bonus: Knopfler rerecorded his guitar part for Al Yankovic’s parody, so there’s a good chance that he’d allow the original track to be used in the game.

11. “Van Nuys (Es Very Nice),” Los Abandoned

Another one for the independent bonus tracks. Los Abandoned rocks harder than any group out there right now, and are just beginning their surge into the mainstream. (See my previous entry on the best albums of 2006 for more of my praise of this band.) While lacking any true solos or lead guitar hooks, the rhythm is so scorching and unrelenting that you’re not going to care. At the expert setting, the opening barrage may just be enough to set the player’s hand on fire.

12. “Screaming Skull,” Sonic Youth

C’mon, Harmonix! This one should have been a no-brainer to follow “Who Was in My Room Last Night?” on the last game. The only problem with this track is that the guitar part is so ridiculously out of tune and off-meter that I’d have no clue how to adapt it to the controller. Ah, hell, I’d play it just to see what they do with the sound of the Transporter from Star Trek which takes the place of the lead guitar at the end of the song.

13. “Ball and Biscuit,” The White Stripes

Brian the Lion said it better than I ever could.

14. “ABACAB,” Genesis

Oh, fuck yeah! Possibly the best of the Phil Collins Bombast Mini-Operas, “ABACAB” also dictates the construction in its name, as the A-B-and-C sections of the song repeat as their letters appear in the title. The number may be a bit too synth-heavy, but the guitars that are there are gold. The top and tail consist of grinding solos which could catch even the most seasoned Hero off-guard. Remember how you felt the first time you played “YYZ” on Easy Mode and got your ass kicked? Yeah, take that and double the length. That’s what “ABACAB” would bring to the proceedings, and why it must appear in the new game.

15. “Jesus of Suburbia,” Green Day

Included here in the vain hope that Harmonix sees it fit to put all of American Idiot on as a bonus track. Green Day would often play through the entire album live during their last tour; a full tour through the forty-odd minutes of that ordeal would be the ultimate capper to the Guitar Hero experience.

16. “Supervixen,” Garbage

Is there a better riff to lead off a song then the start-and-stop lead-in to Garbage’s first album? I challenge that there is not.

17. “Theme from NARC,” The Pixies

The Pixies rocked harder than any of their contemporaries, and they never got any more lunatic than on this track. It’s a cover of the theme to the 1980s video game NARC (hence “Theme from NARC”), and it clocks in at under two minutes. Both of these should stop it from being included in the game, but the fact that it’s essentially one long solo, and a badass one at that, all but screams for its induction into the annals of Guitar Hero.

18. “To Hell with Good Intentions,” McLusky

Whoever covers this will get the vocals totally wrong, and it will suck. Too bad, because the song itself is one of the better candidates for Guitar Hero, as it contains three separate guitar tracks, each one more difficult than the preceding. It also has one of the better screaming rockstar lyric lines of recent music, accurately reflecting the hard rocking lifestyle that everyone who plays the game is supposed to be emulating.

19. “Pulling Mussels (from the Shell),” Squeeze

The English New Wave has been sorely underrepresented. While only a decent track for single player, the co-op mode would be wicked, as the entire song is built around the idea of two dueling rhythm guitars.

20. “The View from the Afternoon,” Arctic Monkeys

There’s your recent track for the pile. This number would be great for the second tier, as it appears to be a simple cruncher in the vein of “Woman” or “I Wanna Be Sedated,” but the straightforward melody hides some really wicked stops and starts. I can only imagine how many profanities will be hurled at television screens nationwide when players miss the four-bar break at the bridge for the three-hundred-and-thirty-seventh time.

21. “Busy Lights Busy Carpet,” Q and Not U

Because the idea of seeing the “FAILED 3% Complete” popping up over and over again gives me the happy shakes.

22. “Freak of the Week,” Marvelous 3

Butch Walker writes better pop songs than most carbon-based life forms, and the fact that he’s been reduced to appearing on Rock Star: Supernova makes me sad. Anyway, “Freak of the Week” is the only song of his you’d even remotely recognize. It could fill the “Fat Lip” position as the minor hit from the late 90s, except that “Freak of the Week” is a much better song, and way more fun to play.

23. “Pump It Up,” Elvis Costello & The Attractions

The loudest and arguably most famous song in Elvis’ catalog, this one squeaks in on recognition factor alone. I’d much rather include “From a Whisper to a Scream,” but no one seems to have ever heard of it.

24. “I Can See for Miles,” The Who

No, seriously. Give us some Who next time, or heads will roll.

25. “Letter from an Occupant,” The New Pornographers

Bap-ba-bap-bap-duh-NUH-NUH-NUHNUH-NUH-DUGGGHHHH! Power pop nirvana.

26. “Go Your Own Way,” Fleetwood Mac

There should really be a Party Mode on these games. Y’know, it would include only anthems from the seventies and eighties, those soaring tracks which everyone instinctively knows the words to, so that all of the drunken partygoers could gather around and blurt out the lyrics while the two guitarists go hog-wild. This, of course, is the archetypal song for such a mode.

27. “Picture Book,” The Kinks

Van Halen instead of The Kinks for “You Really Got Me?” Yeah, screw that. Bring The Kinks onto the roster in style by picking something off of Village Green. Added points if the song immediately segues into “Warning” by Green Day, which was the most blatant rip in the history of rock. At least Clapton, Lennon, and Mercury had the good sense to steal from people that their audience had never heard.

28. “Princes of the Universe,” Queen

Speaking of Freddie Mercury, hell yes! This one! Not anything else unless you suddenly decide to get cheeky and include “Flash’s Theme.”

29. “Steam,” Peter Gabriel

I’d ask for “Sledgehammer” or “Red Rain,” but both of those are too far removed from straight guitar-rock. With “Steam” you get Gabriel’s wacked-out sense of what makes a good rock song, and you get three or four good solos.

30. “Three Hundred,” The Stereo

A super-indie band writes one of the greatest pop songs of all the time, and nobody hears it except for a few of my friends at ‘SC. But how perfect would it be to have a song where “C’mon, ROCK OUT” is shouted before the last solo? Yeah, I thought so.

31. “Hold on Loosely,” .38 Special

Okay, so maybe this is king of all country-rock. All of the rocking of “Freebird” but at a third of the length, so your douchebag friend who wants to prove how cool he is can now fail earlier. Plus, the cooler Van Zant brother was in this band, so suck it, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

32. “Real World,” Matchbox 20

Yeah, I know, it’s not called Pussy Adult Contemporary Doily Boring Hero. Truth is, though, that Rob Thomas seems to write ten great pop songs before breakfast each day, and this is about the only one which rocks hard enough to merit inclusion. Sure, we could also include “Smooth” into that mix, but it would be impossible to license.

33. “Alive,” Pearl Jam

We’d be lucky to even get “World Wide Suicide,” I know, but I refuse to think that Avenged Sevenfold could make it in and Vedder could get the shaft. Not the most complicated guitar in their repitoire, but it’s my personal favorite. Besides which, “Yellow Ledbetter” is too slow.

34. “Song 2,” Blur

Another two-minute wonder. Everyone knows this one, and everyone bangs their head along with it. There’s no better reason to include a song than that.

35. “Give a Little Bit,” Supertramp

Copy-paste the Fleetwood Mac reasoning. Don’t you dare use the Goo Goo Dolls version.

36. “Plug in Baby,” Muse

Music elitists could argue up and down about which Muse song defines them the best, and which one is the most coherent musical statement. However, they’re all wrong, as what matters is the rock, and this one rocks harder than all of them. Great opening riff, difficult rhythm part, and all-around great song.

37. “Sell Out,” Reel Big Fish

Why the hell has there been no ska in Guitar Hero yet? I mean, really; it’s an entirely different style of guitar playing, so one would think that some token song would have already been thrown into the mix. Well, this is as good of a place to start.

38. “Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida,” Iron Butterfly

There’s got to be another monster to end the next game. You can’t go to “Freebird” and then have no big piece to end the next game; that’s just a big old cocktease. The only problem is that there aren’t too many songs which are even bigger and more badass than “Freebird.” So you either have to go here or to…

39. “I’ve Seen All Good People/Your Move,” Yes

This monstrosity. And since there’s more mandolin and organ for the first five minutes than guitar, it’s clear that Iron Butterfly is the only sensible choice.

40. “Just What I Needed,” The Cars

It’s my favorite song, it’s one of the most recognized rock songs of all time, and it’s got at least three solo guitar licks. Do you really need a reason to put this in the game? It’s the freakin’ Cars! It’s a shame this has yet to be included, but that can all be reversed with a bitchin’ rendition in Guitar Hero III.

41. “Green Onions,” Booker T and the MGs

Too much organ work in this tune? Yeah, I don’t care. Steve Cropper is a guitar god, and his work has to appear somewhere in this series.

42. “*69,” R.E.M.

This gets to be the R.E.M. contribution for a couple of reasons. First of all, it’s got the best guitar work outside of “Radio Free Europe.” Secondly, it’s going to be a struggle for the cover vocalist, and I can’t wait to hear what that sucker interprets the lyrics as. Most of all, though, the rights should be supremely easy to get, as this is one of the songs which was recorded in R.E.M.’s bout with Indie Cred.

43. “Black Dog,” Led Zeppelin

I don’t know what the licensing problems are with the Zep, and I don’t care. The world wants Harmonix to get the Led out. Choose this one or “Whole Lotta Love.”

44. “Bastards of Young,” The Replacements

Even MTV knew not to mess with this song; anything you add onto the Replacements will just interfere with the pure rock. Westerberg has constantly avoided the persona of the “rocker,” but his music speaks otherwise. “Bastards” is one of my favorite rock songs, and it ranks as a milestone on the merits of the music video. It all but demands inclusion.

45. “Black Magic Woman,” Santana

Santana’s longest, and his best. As a guitar craftsman, he is without parallel within his style.

46. “Born to Raise Hell,” Motorhead

“Ace of Spades?” More like Ass of Spades. “Born to Raise Hell” opened Airheads, a film which made Brendan Fraser and Adam Sandler fucking metal. If a song can do that by itself (and I fully believe that it did), then it merits inclusion in Guitar Hero.

47. “Rock & Roll Pt. 2,” Gary Glitter

Who cares if he’s currently doing time in a Vietnamese prison? It’s the most recognized guitar riff of all time. Double points if “Rock & Roll Pt. 1” is included, and I’ll have puppies if “Gary in the TARDIS” makes it in there somehow.

48. “Tighten Up,” Archie Bell & The Drells

Guitar Hero has been ridiculously anglo-centric so far. Yes, I realize that most people’s skewed vision of rock includes mostly Brits and Southerners, but the overall picture is much more complicated. With what could arguably be called the last great first-wave soul number, Archie Bell (and the Drells, from Houston, Texas) demonstrated why a bunch of pasty white boys weren’t the only ones who could lay claim to being guitar gods.

49. “Where Were You?,” Jeff Beck and Terry Bozio

How in the hell would you play a song which is all harmonics within the game engine? I don’t know, but I’d love to find out.

50. “And Your Bird Can Sing,” The Beatles

Last time I heard, the rights to these songs were on the move. Now’s your chance to include the most influential band in the History of Rock in the game about the History of Rock. Make it happen, Harmonix.