Quick-Fix Punditry!
Yes, the Bill O'Reillys, Ann Coulters, and Michelle Malkins of the American press have shown us that anyone with a bad suit, worse haircut, and perfunctory education can weasel their way into the news media and blurt opinions which can solve any problem. The problem with these infuriating individuals is that these phrases leave their mouths at such supersonic speeds that they never stop to think whether they are saying anything of note. Surprise! They usually aren't. This detail is of no concern to the pundits; they get paid good money to talk loudly and act as if every problem is solved through either physical or rhetorical brute force. Here, the round peg is not just forced into the square hole, but set aflame and fired out of a cannon, annihilating the hole and rebuilding it in the image of the flaming peg.
To be honest, it sounds like a lot of fun. Follow me, if you will, on my first campaign into pundit territory. You're about to be engulfed in the Film Elder Hermetically Sealed Chamber of Righteousness! Because, hey, No-Spin Zone had already been taken.
Problem: The avian flu! It threatens to jump into the human population wholesale by the end of next year, creating a pandemic situation which could possibly claim a billion lives. How do we stop this menace?
Flippant Answer: Kill all birds. Everything already tastes like chicken, anyway; all other meats will be a fine substitute. Also, red meat has long been overlooked as a source of wholesome American ideals, and will come back into favor once there is no other alternative except pork.
Problem: The United States just sent its 1000th prisoner to the death chamber. Are we being too hard on crime? Is using the ultimate punishment really the answer?
Flippant Answer: Of course! Hell, we should put more people on death row, and sell tickets! All the proceeds can go to funding a private-school voucher system. Also, once the prisoners are killed, we can sell them on the secondary market as a chicken substitute.
Problem: The Department of Justice has recently called a meeting to discuss a secret Pentagon plan to leak propagandist sentiments into Iraqi newspapers. Was this movement a last-ditch move to curry favor in Iraq and turn the sentiment in a war we are so obviously losing?
Flippant Answer: If you don't support this war, you are a homosexual down syndrome rapist with AIDS. I am also pretty sure you are responsible for the deaths of Presidents Arthur and McKinley.
See? Being a pundit is simple; all that it requires are a few simple, fallible ideas in the midst of nearly indecipherable phrases. All I have to do now is sit back and wait for some up-and-coming conservative news organization to realize how well I speak for the common man, and I'll be set for life.
To be honest, it sounds like a lot of fun. Follow me, if you will, on my first campaign into pundit territory. You're about to be engulfed in the Film Elder Hermetically Sealed Chamber of Righteousness! Because, hey, No-Spin Zone had already been taken.
Problem: The avian flu! It threatens to jump into the human population wholesale by the end of next year, creating a pandemic situation which could possibly claim a billion lives. How do we stop this menace?
Flippant Answer: Kill all birds. Everything already tastes like chicken, anyway; all other meats will be a fine substitute. Also, red meat has long been overlooked as a source of wholesome American ideals, and will come back into favor once there is no other alternative except pork.
Problem: The United States just sent its 1000th prisoner to the death chamber. Are we being too hard on crime? Is using the ultimate punishment really the answer?
Flippant Answer: Of course! Hell, we should put more people on death row, and sell tickets! All the proceeds can go to funding a private-school voucher system. Also, once the prisoners are killed, we can sell them on the secondary market as a chicken substitute.
Problem: The Department of Justice has recently called a meeting to discuss a secret Pentagon plan to leak propagandist sentiments into Iraqi newspapers. Was this movement a last-ditch move to curry favor in Iraq and turn the sentiment in a war we are so obviously losing?
Flippant Answer: If you don't support this war, you are a homosexual down syndrome rapist with AIDS. I am also pretty sure you are responsible for the deaths of Presidents Arthur and McKinley.
See? Being a pundit is simple; all that it requires are a few simple, fallible ideas in the midst of nearly indecipherable phrases. All I have to do now is sit back and wait for some up-and-coming conservative news organization to realize how well I speak for the common man, and I'll be set for life.
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