Socrates Weeps.

Wouldn't it be great if we could quit the Internet?

The World Wide Web has become the friend who is more trouble than they are worth. For all of its advantages, such as immediate music delivery, frequently-inaccurate, peer-vetted encyclopedias, and time-wasting revivals of 1980s arcade hits such as Dig Dug, there are a million reasons to hate it. Most of them arise from the idiots who inhabit the message boards and comment sections of the blogs and news websites. A recent discussion about the "Talkback" section of the famed Ain't It Cool News website yielded the following comment from my brother: "That site is filled with some of the most hateful, contemptuous people who walk this Earth. Its creator chief among them." His rhetoric may have been inflated, but his sentiments were spot-on.

To wit: a recent article reviewing the television program Heroes on the AICN website was immediately followed by nearly fifty comments (and growing) decrying the show for a myriad of reasons, most of which centered around how the characters weren't tailored to exactly the commentator's liking, or how lead actress Hayden Panettiere had not yet reached the age of consent. (What is especially hilarious about this last comment is that, within her home state of New York, Ms. Panettiere has indeed reached the age of consent, but one would not have to be the Amazing Kreskin to realize that one of those who believed they were illegally lusting after her on the AICN talkbacks would have a snowball's chance in hell of courting her in the real world.) Similar comments followed a review of Battlestar Galactica; a daring and inventive season premiere episode was greeted mostly with scorn, and those who dared to speak out in favor were bombarded with homosexual epithets. This has become the dialogue fostered by the "fansites" of the Internet; what is presented as free entertainment for a wide audience is dismissed, and those who enjoy it are greeted with the homophobia that runs rampant through all avenues of the Web.

And one would be foolish to assume that this level of commentary is restricted to the low-culture enclaves of fan websites. Unfortunately, these sentiments are everywhere. I point you, dear reader, to the first article written by our friend Hildy Johnson for the Huffington Post. The article continues the line of biting observational wit she continues to display at AvenueF, and one would figure that an piece the well-written would create a general consensus, one that might read as such: "Good job! Excellent first article! Looking forward to reading more!"

Of fucking course not; don't be stupid. This is the Internet, not civilized society. The comment section following her article has quickly fallen under the jurisdiction of those who cannot spell Vanity Fair, let alone read it. The main contention seems to be the use of the word "pedophile," as many of those hateful bastards who have deemed themselves Master of Internet concluded that Hildy had used the word incorrectly, and therefore had invalidated her entire argument. Funny enough, Ms. Johnson has an education, is rather bright, and speaks English, so she had not misused the word. Once one considers this rather important fact, the comments section disappears into irrelevancy. Despite this, I guarantee that the comments will continue for weeks with variations on the theme known as "I know what the definition of Pedophile is, and you don't." To those who would continue to comment, I say this: Get a job. Own a dictionary.

That's not my place, though. I can't rewrite the rules of the Internet, nor can I stop the millions of insane babies who continue to use it daily. I can't even ignore them, because one can't tell when they're being ignored in a vacuum.

Wouldn't it be great, then, if we could all just quit?