Eighties Post: Saturday Morning Adaptation

Picture, if you will, a conference room in the offices of a successful television network sometime during the 1980s. Well-dressed men sit around the table and debate their upcoming fall lineup, attempting to invent a program to fit the gap in their Saturday morning programming. One of the men happens upon a brilliant idea: the company should adapt a recent motion picture into a cartoon show! Yes, it’s brilliant! Kids were flocking to the theaters in droves for the first time in decades, and it seemed like anything starring any one of the myriad teen stars could easily make its money back. Why shouldn’t that translate to small-screen success? Besides, cartoons were cheap to make, and seasons didn’t have to be as long; the network would have a license to print money. So the executives started to look for the most recent success to adapt, when what they really should have done is fired the idea man and renewed Bravestarr for another season.

But why should he have been fired for a creative, practical idea? I’ll tell you why: these cartoons sucked. Sure, there were a few successes, such as the faithful The Real Ghostbusters or the hallucinatory Beetlejuice, but the bulk of these screen-to-animation adaptations were horrible copies of something a huge number of kids held dear. Take, for example, The Karate Kid. The film is one of the great eighties inspirational films, featuring an amazing soundtrack and probably the most imitated single Karate move in the history of civilization. (Editor’s Note: For those born after 1986, I’m referring to the fabled “Crane Kick.” I’m not going to explain how it works, because that’s why Wikipedia exists.) Karate Kid Part II is one of the few sequels which lives up to the promise of the original film, and I acknowledge the existence of Karate Kid Part III, which is more than I can say for The Next Karate Kid. These films work incredibly well in their own way, providing excellent inspirational stories while still making time for whiz-bang action sequences. So, naturally, the cartoon featured Daniel-San and Miyagi going around the seven continents in a flying car attempting to track down the pieces of a mystical all-powerful emblem. I think there were also a kid sister and a talking panda, but don’t quote me on that. The show vanished after a disastrous run in the Autumn of 1990, and I think we can all see why: it had nothing whatsoever to do with what made Karate Kid a runaway hit in the Summer of 1984.

With videogame adaptations these liberties could be overlooked somewhat, as games of this era were essentially plotless. Not a single gamer would complain that Pole Position had strayed from its roots when it turned the project into a story of fraternal twins who ran a detective agency out of their automotive stunt show, because the roots of Pole Position were essentially cars going “vroom.” Film conversions were something wholly other, and were usually considered an affront to fans of the original. However, seen through the haze of many television seasons and an understanding that nearly all cartoon series are lackluster, these adaptations don’t seem as bad as they did twenty-odd years ago. They’re still terrible, but perhaps something could be learned from their blatant disregard for canon and viewer preference. When adapting a story to another medium, perhaps it isn’t necessary for those in charge to remain faithful in any way whatsoever to the source. The demise of Saturday morning programming all but put an end to this sort of cartoon, but one can imagine what could have come to fruition with a few more years of tinkering. To wit, a few programs which could have been:

Stand and Deliver: The Series
Jaime Escalante is a teacher with a problem. Each day, he attempts to teach inner-city kids the value of a well-rounded education. But every night, the call goes out for a hero, and he answers it by transforming into Calculoid, a superhero who defeats his foes with the power of advanced mathematical theorems! In the dark alleys of Los Angeles, Calculoid fights a never-ending battle for justice and higher education, forever pursued by the Advanced Placement Board, a team of superpowered federal agents who abhor learning and intelligence! Voices include Adrian Zmed as Escalante/Calculoid, Maurice LaMarche as General Deathguard, and Wil Wheaton as Lou Diamond Phillips.

Missing in Action in Space

Chuck Norris is caught in a timewarp while piloting an experimental spacecraft on its maiden voyage. Emerging four hundred years later, he finds that Earth has been overrun by a bloodthirsty force from beyond the stars, one that hates freedom, democracy, and karate. In this desolate future, Norris faces his most deadly enemy yet: Space Vietcong! Featuring the voices of Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris, Pat Morita as Sensei Chang, and Mako as Super-Cong.

The Real Wall Street!

After a protracted legal battle with PBS over the name of the show, Oliver Stone’s 1987 smash hit finally makes its way to Saturday morning TV. Join in the adventures of Gordon T. Gecko, underground stockbroker and lizard-about-town, as he fights the forces of greed and tyranny who threaten his grassy home. (The format took a dramatic turn in the second season, when Gordon joined an international banking syndicate and relocated to Manhattan. The show, rechristened Gordon and the Wall Street Brigade, barely lasted the season before being cancelled and replaced with reruns of Bucky O’Hare.) Lorenzo Music provides the voice of Gordon T. Gecko.

Oh, what could have been.